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The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy

Rogue Classicism

 
That's it. I've absolutely had it with you goddamn miserable teenage girls who think you're too fat and spend most of your week waiting to see American Idol pop up on your massive TV screen. Up yours. You miserable shits.

Thanks to your commitment to the indigestable pap that is American popular music (ironic, isn't it?), the winner of American Idol, who I understand is some daft chick named Kelly, will be singing some song or other at a commemorative gathering on September 11 at the Lincoln Memorial. I am so overcome with revulsion at the power of you colossal group of imbeciles. As if the maudlin crap that will spew all over America on September 11 isn't bad enough, you have actually managed to conspire to lower the IQ of all Americans permanently by associating the Lincoln Memorial not with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and his famous I Have a Dream Speech, but with some immeasurably worthless bimbo from Texas. Yes, I stole most of my outrage on this topic from the Washington Post. But damn, that article made a point.

I can see you festering pustules sitting in your history classes as you learn about Dr. King's speech. "Tiffany, isn't the Lincoln Memorial where Kelly sang on September 11?" "Oh, yeah, Buffy. It was so cool to see that on TV." You pathetic miscreants. There was a saying in the 1980s when I was your age: the children are the future of America. Well, I thought that back then that statement was laughable, but to apply it to you would be a crime against the English language. You are the damnation of America. Your very existence and its effect on consumerism will ensure that not only will this great nation fail, but that I will live long enough to see it fail.

I hope you are proud. To paraphrase Sir Winston Spencer Churchill, Never have so many caused so much harm by doing so little. Well, okay, the complicity of the average German in the 1930s and 1940s with the Nazi regime was far worse, but this is an exercise in hyperbole. So bite me.

In the immortal words of Mr. Garrison's much-maligned hand puppet, "No! You go to Hell! You got Hell and you DIE!"

Here endeth the lesson.

 


Which Animaniacs Character are You?

You are quick to anger. It's not that you're a jerk, it's just that everyone else is always wrong! Additionally, you often feel like people are picking on you, especially when they say things that you don't understand. You are stronger than many, and fighting is sometimes the only solution that works for you. When you're not fighting, you are fairly calm, however. You tend to act coo.

 
Sweet monkey butt! These quizzes are brilliant!





Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

Although this one is accurate, it's not very clever, since it is fairly transparent. You can get the result you want if you just pick wisely.